Ignorance

nataliedee.com

I often find myself in this situation. And while I am aware it is impossible to like every song and every artist out there, I think it shows nothing but close-mindedness and (sometimes) racist and/or elitist tendencies to dismiss rap music and country music as dross in a white-man's music world of bands as crappy as Nickelback. "Rap has bad lyrics" is usually followed by an "But I like Eminem", which furthers my inkling that there are possible racist tendencies in play here. Give the ultra-violent homophobic rapper who happens to be white some critical acclaim! While I will say he has some talent, and I do like some of his songs, there is a plethora of other artists out there that you discredit totally. And more than enough of them are just as good if not better than Eminem. They're just not white.

Rap has bad lyrics? How about Nickelback's #1 hit, 'Photograph':

Look at this photograph/Every time I do it makes me laugh/How did our eyes get so red/and what the hell is on Joey's Head?

So inspiring, it was a #1 hit for weeks. Does anyone else get the image of George Orwell's proles in 1984 singing along to meaningless garbage? Sure, MIMS' hit, 'Why I'm Hot' produced even more nauseatingly bad lyrics... But my point is I don't discredit the entirety of rock/alternative music due to Nickelback. Get a grip, and have an open mind.

Take rap artist M.I.A. for example. Born in Sri Lanka to a Tamil rebel family, she had to flee as a child to London. Both influence her music, a slightly abrasive, unique blend of sounds with a distinct urban feel, and often a tinge of bollywood. In her song 20 Dollar, (a sweltering hot remix of the Pixies' 'Where is my mind') she spits these lyrics among other just as poignant and profoundly political criticisms:

Do you know the cost of A.K.'s up in Africa?/Twenty dollars ain't shit to you/But that's how much they are

Price of livin' in a shanty-town jus' seem to be high/but we still look fly/we still like T.I./Dancin as we shootin' up/ An' lootin' jus' to get by

I was born out of dirt like porn in a skirt/I was a little girl who made good with all I blurt

Yeah, perhaps you don't like rap because of the lyrics. Perhaps it is because you are too stupid to understand them. Or perhaps you discredit an entire genre because you don't want to understand it (See: Title of Post).

Well that was a rather elaborate rant... for an introduction. You may be asking 'what does this have to do with sports, sexuality, or politics?'.

Enter Mike Huckabee, stage left:

HUCKABEE: And the way it affects them is that we need to understand that violence and terror is significant when it happens in Pakistan, it’s more significant when it happens in our own cities, and it happens if people can slip across our border and we have no control over it.

Whoops, how did that script get in here. Whoa, that's no script, its an honest-to-god quote. And I thought this was bad.

I'm not so much worried about this guy being elected as I am the general view he stands for, and how popular it is today. Does America see the slaying of a western-educated (Harvard) female former-leader of a Muslim country as a springboard for fear mongering regarding the border? Do we have no sympathy, or is it a total lack of class? Is it more significant when it happens here than when it happens there, as Huckabee suggested?

This here/there logic needs to be put to rest. We all live in the same world, and we should pay close attention to what is going on around us. To understand what is going on, we need to educate ourselves on the world. This is just another case of dismissing a real moment to learn in favor of something stupid and fanciful. I hate the word, but thinking that illegal immigrants and gay people are the biggest threats to our freedom in the United States is either fanciful or just plain biased. I would like to think that perhaps with all of the other things going wrong, many citizens have adopted these beliefs solely to have someone to blame. No need to be informed if you have a neat and tidy logic for everything that is wrong.

Whenever I see someone pick on the weakest segments of American society (one can't even vote due to their status, yet try and tell me they aren't part of American society), I cringe at the millions of people who buy it. Churches do it to keep people in the pews, and politicians do it to keep people at the polls.

These same fear tactics have caused the most significant restrictions on civil rights and liberties since the segregation era. For you homophobic, xenophobic (immigrant-hating) types, this may be seen as a good thing, but the repression extends further, to even you. Our own phobias are destroying our foundations, leaving our society on the verge of collapse (in a purely metaphorical sense, I hope).

I think FDR's line resounds louder today, in a much more haunting way, than it did in the great depression:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

One of These Things....

Y'all know the jingle, from sesame street? One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong... No? Here you go. Well, while the exciting activity below might be a bit more difficult than figuring out a crab isn't a starfish..... but we will see who can figure it out. Todays Theme is: Politics! Which one of these doesn't belong in political discussion? Take a look, or click below for a larger version of the wonderful google image search collage I've put together so perfectly.


OK. So let's start looking for what doesn't belong.

First we have a lovely image of the NYSE on wall street? Economics certainly belong in any political discussion. Next, we move on to Iraq, which (for the sake of brevity) represents all conflicts involving the US... and pretty much everything involving the Dept. of Defense. Next we see some freakishly perfect multicultural schoolchildren giggling. Is it me or is this photo somewhat disturbing? I think the little boy is just happy to be pimpin' dem hoes at such an early age. Anyhow, education is certainly a good topic. In the center, we have the subprime lending collapse and the real-estate bubble bursting. While, yes, it is my opinion that most political topics within the US boil down to economics, this is a big one that I haven't heard enough about with our presidential candidates. Whoops! how'd that happen?! What crisis? Lets print more.... OH now comes our next problem- the US dollar is falling like crazy in the international currency market. While this does have some benefits (cheaper to export---> rise in international consumption of US goods), it probably isn't a good thing to slather all of our problems in freshly minted coins and bills. Next, we have Nickelback. What the hell is wrong with America? Why are these guys so popular? All of their songs sound alike, and while the product is not altogether repulsive or terrible, it is just so bland, lacks inspiration, and sounds the same as every other band out there. Perhaps America just thinks they will invest their time listening to Nickelback because they aren't offensive, try too hard to please everyone, and it just seems like what they should play on the radio. Wait, is it me or does this sum up the current presidential primaries as well?! Back to the collage. Next we have a picture of earth from space! Wowee! This represents the environment. And natural resources, including oil! That's an obvious.

Lastly, we have a lily white Jesus Christ, his Austrian-master-race locks of golden-red hair cascading gingerly to his shoulder, which hoists an beautiful white lamb. In his other hand, Euro-Jesus holds a staff, which he probably uses in various vaudeville acts, accompanied by a top hat, tux, and white gloves, while doing some sort of jitter-bug like tap dance.

Okay, we have a winner. And no, he isnt being singled out here because of the unrealistic portrayal of him. Jesus, was, in fact, lily white, with strawberry blond hair. And lambs and sheep were always clean and never smelled bad. Visit a sheep farm. They don't smell one bit.

It's one thing to be a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, or a Morman. And sure, the population will take that into consideration when voting. Probably too much so. But Its another thing to use Jesus as your campaign spokesman.

STOP IT! ALL OF YOU! If Jesus wanted to endorse a political candidate, he could return to earth and do it. Until then, why do so many 'christians' buy into some money-hungry poltical hog invoking their good lord's name for the sake of getting votes. If there was ever an example of someone taking the lord's name in vain- this is it. This means you, Huckabee. Jesus would probably hit you with his cane. OK, maybe not, but i'm sure he wouldn't mind if someone else did.

Separation of Church and State was created to protect all religions, not to exclude Christianity unfairly. Keeping it separate is beneficial to both sides. The current situation politically makes any intelligent religious person want to run screaming into the streets. But, alas, this myth that our nation has always been built on the morals of Christianity (which has steadily evolved since WWII) has developed from a fairly innocent looking 'in god we trust' smacked onto our now-worthless currency to a beast that rears its ugly, repressive, restrictive, and biased head every election.

Jesus doesn't belong in political discussions. Christianity, and most other religions all have important lessons and teachings that promote social cohesion and cooperation, among other things. Bringing politics into those only muddies up what originally was good.

Well, I guess a lot of us never learned anything from PBS as kids.

Scutter away, little Jesus crab. The political starfish belong here, you don't. At this rate, they'll dry up, die, and be sold next to a tee shirt with breasts airbrushed on it at an I <3 Daytona Beach gift shop. This crab-legitimacy must be stopped before that happens.

Why They Exist

NEW Clean & Clear ETHNIC CLEANSING LOTION!

$17.99 only when you order online today! *a $3 discount!

Black? Whiten up that dark skin! From East Asia? Make those eyes sparkling blue! Indian? Turn that skin the most alabaster-like shade of lily-white! Our new improved formula even works on the intricacies associated with being 'latino' or 'hispanic', eliminating that pesky mix of races and ethnicities lumped together by the census bureaus as one big group. And let's not forget our white customers! NEW C&C ECL eliminates embarrassing traces of ethnicities you'd rather not mention. Order today!

*some restrictions may apply, online offer valid thru 12/31/07. Not for use on mass populations (ie genocides) consult a physician before using C&C ECL. Results may vary.

Think this product sounds ridiculous? If the folks at Johnson & Johnson could create such a product, I would recommend buying stock before they launch it. Hey, if they can make a shampoo that doesn't burn baby's eyes, I reckon they could make an ethnic/racial cleansing product! If you can't tell, this blog is going to have a Bluest Eye vibe to it (the book, by Toni Morrison).

When it comes to sexuality, a version of this product exists. The ex-gay ministry. For those of you unfamiliar with this charming segment of fundamentalist Christian evangelism, the basic premise is that homosexuality (a sin in their eyes) can be cured by a rigorous program of prayer, bible study, mental training, etc.

For many years, American society successfully worked as an ex-gay ministry with repressive laws, social stigma, hate crimes, and police raids that kept gay men and lesbian women in the closet and in fear (and it still works this way, only not as strong). The growth of the gay rights movement, the downfall of many repressive laws (also the APA listing homosexuality as a mental disorder), and general boost in self-confidence created a fear of acceptance in the right. So what better way to make money than to cater to the already fragile minds of closeted gay men who want a life where they aren't hated, shunned, beaten, and lonely.

The ex-gay ministry is an attempt to take those rightfully scared men and women, and abuse them psychologically until they have convinced themselves that they are not, in fact, homosexual. Psychological abuse can certainly change the way a person behaves and thinks. The damage these 'ministries' are doing to people's minds is deep and often irreparable. It teaches people that they are inferior, that they are mistakes that can be corrected. As in Morrison's novel-the human mind can convince itself many things, even that a brown eye is blue. But it is not without a toll.

The title here is "why they exist". Who would I be referring to? The Ted Haggards, the Larry Craigs, the self-hating double personalities of the world. This identity crisis is the result of years of psychological abuse, from societal pressure to internal pressure. What emerges is something of a monster. One portion of the mind sets up a system of thought processes, denials, and a logic of illogic that allows said person to pursue a moral life. Often, homophobia (which is seriously an issue within individuals) (if they hate the fact they are homosexual, yes, they are homophobes) is a result, using this illogical network of barriers to discriminate and fight against their true being. This portion of the mind separates, and becomes the minister, the conservative politician, the homophobic 'straight' friend of yours who always seems like something is wrong deep down. It's not that hard to convince yourself that you are straight. You may even have sex with women, get married, and start a family. Yes, the mind can do amazing things. But is this a 'cure'? is this a successful intervention from the good lord above?

The other side of the monster sends us a resounding NO. The human necessity of intimacy from another person, both sexual and emotional, comes into play. And for homosexuals, that necessity comes from someone of the same sex. If you think you are destined to the pits of hell, if you know you shouldn't do something- you might as well make it shameful when you do. Resort to the hidden and dark backrooms of clubs, the airport bathrooms, the prostitutes in motels. Often drugs and booze help to calm this horrific rearing of the repressed mind.

I feel genuine pity for people like Haggard and Craig. They both come from a repressed generation, where information was not as free (hello internet) and resources for understanding sexuality were understandably absent. They built up such hatred for themselves that they believed it. They are broken men, and probably have suffered so much self-torment and abuse, coupled with societal pressure, that they will not ever recover.

Yet our generation mocks them, cracking jokes and pushing them around, asking 'why do guys like that exist?!'. Many non-gay people ask "how can they be gay if they have a wife and kids?" or suggest their deviant, non-committed, and lustful relationships reflect why homosexuality is sinful. Its pretty easy to ask (and frankly, may explain why much of gay culture is so 'deviant' and afraid of commitment). The answer is painfully obvious. These guys never had resources to understand homosexuality. Couple that with repression and societal expectations, heteronormative class structure, and hormonal changes as a young adult, and what do you get? The two headed monster, a ridiculously high suicide rate among young gay men, and a slew of homophobic politicians, ministers, and leaders with a skeleton, quite literally, in the closet.

Neo-Minstrelization

Civil Rights/Gay Rights comparisons are overused and tired as a whole. It is hard to deny many striking similarities between the logic used for discrimination in both instances, but I'm going to offer a somewhat different take on it.


Usually these kinds of things end up with someone suggesting next, gay men will be marrying goats.... Having met several goats in person, TL does not recommend marriage to goats, as they tend to leave droppings in far too many places, and lack taste in music.


Minstrel shows were a way for white people to make bank by portraying themselves in blackface makeup in order to stereotype and mock african-americans.
This also played off of the the growing success of black entertainers, who, as artists, were seen by many whites as there for their entertainment (not for any artistic merit) and therefore subordinate and harmless.

So where am I going with this? I'd like to put it out there that this:




Has been re-incarnated as this:





Before you all have a fit for me tackling one of the most popular shows in the past couple of years, let me explain myself. I'm sure Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (which even the title has issues if you ask me) has its benefits to the acceptance of gays into mainstream culture. I'm sure it has some merit, and I'm sure that every stereotype has some sort of truth in it, however misconstrued and untrue it may be at the current time. But I digress...

The Neo in front of the post title implies that it is a new version of minstrelization i am talking about here. The parallels aren't nearly as racist/homophobic in nature, but let's see how gay men are commonly portrayed on TV.

Effeminate, fashion/beauty product/shoe/purse experts (some other shows come to mind here), broadway musical-singing, dancing, happy 'queers'. So basically RK in a nutshell. Wait a second, hes the straight one.... Anyway, I have no problem with any gay man being himself, and if he likes fashion and hairstyling, I wish him the best job you could find in a Bel-Air boutique.

But why is that image so overblown? Because it portrays gay men as weak. It keeps gay men as this laughable, entertainer-for-us-straight-folks, harmless little woodland creatures who don't threaten a hetero-normative social structure that everyone else is comfortable in. It also provides people with plenty of gay-friendly politically correct lines to use once they know my sexual orientation. Allow me to share. These have all been used with me:

"Oh my god did you see Project Runway last night!?" Ok, maybe they just like the show.

"Hey I have a gay friend" "My uncle is gay, I love him!" Thanks...for... sharing?

"Can we go shopping together sometime!" You have no idea how much I don't like shopping. Ask RK.

"Hey, what do you think of my shoes/nails/hair/dress" They're um... great....

"OH MY GOD! ARE THESE YOUR GAY FRIENDS!?" this was used in a bar! and no!

For the love of all that is good on this great planet... if the media's portrayal of gay men is responsible for the onslaught of ridiculous statements as seen above.... TURN OFF YOUR TELEVISIONS. Haha, while some are perfectly harmless, and I'd be happy to help you look your best to go out ladies, being gay does not make me a fashion expert. RK runs that side of the blog. And a shout out to certain ladies who I don't mind asking me my opinion of their fashion, etc. (You know who y'all are).

Whoa, big tangent. So, lets see, the media is making tons of money off of these stereotypical portrayals of gay men, and it has done nothing but further stereotypes that already existed, that separate and segregate gay men from the rest of society... I could keep going here. There is a strange reincarnation vibe I get from seeing it.

Start showing me a balanced portrayal of gay men that isn't so one-dimensional, and is still widely followed and revered by the TV-watching and movie-going population... and maybe I'll change my mind. Until then, I'm going to be finding myself increasing agitated with people who think its strange for a gay man to like sports so much.

Hope for America

A "champion of the constitution", the next "founding father"... an alternative who would present us a change from the status quo presidential candidates. Who is this I speak of?

Not Ron Paul.

Sorry, America, I want to see a better alternative to the given choices as much as any of you. While I am not yet ready to weigh in on who I think is suitable to run for prom queen, I would like to dissuade you from being lured in by the Gandalf-like twinkle in Ron Paul's eyes. There hasn't been more buzz among the hipster population since the highly anticipated release of the Apple i-phone.



Yes, Ron Paul is the 'Apple' (the corporation) of their eye. And I mean that in a "I'm virulently and vocally supportive of a product that works just as well and offers the same thing as most other products, but somehow is seen as an alternative corporation that is cool" kinda way. And yes, while the iphone is pretty cool, and I have no beef with Apple products. But they aren't the great savior of this generation. Remember the segway scooter? It really changed things.

I want change too, but I'm not going to try and break fund raising records on Guy Fawkes' Day.



remember, remember the 5th of November...

Why yes, I do remember November fifth. The day a nation of 300,000,000 people raised $4,000,000 dollars for some guy from Texas. I'm pretty sure Guy Fawkes is completely to blame for the rise in internet-based campaign fund raising

WOW! we all have computers and 20 bucks, let's do something REVOLUTIONARY

ladies and gentlemen- a revolution isn't going to start by dabbling in internet-fund raising while you listen to the newest song by feist on your i-need-to-have-the-newest-pod. This is not V for Vendetta, and you are not V, or Natalie Portman (unless of course, you are reading this, Natalie). Remember when you used to pretend to be power-rangers or ninja turtles and you'd act out the show with all of your little friends? Well this is worse. You're actually donating money to do it.

Now I will stop with my rant, because I don't want any readers feeling like they've been left out on the joke. And believe me, you haven't. The joke is the election itself, this is just buildup for the punchline.

So, this "Hope for America" Ron Paul is actually pretty consistent when it comes to issues. More so than any other candidate out there. But what issues does he stand so strongly behind? I will now try to sum up which things bother me most about him

Pro-Gun
Pro-Life
Anti-Stem Cell Research
Anti-Affirmative Action
Gay Marriage: Anti-Amendment... unclear otherwise
Gay Adoption: Anti-Gay Adoption
Hate Crimes: Anti-legislation
Anti-Kyoto
Anti-immigration
Pro-Church/State blend

Well, remember the anti-globalization riots in Seattle, 1999? For the sake of analogy, think of those folks as the KKK... Now think of Ron Paul and David Duke. Ron Paul is to anti-globalization what David Duke was to the KKK. Unwavering? Yes. Intelligent/Informed on the issues and constitutional rights? Yes. Horrible? Yes. In totally different ways.

Ron Paul opposes every single free trade agreement the US is a part of, including NAFTA, the UN, the WTO, the GATT, and more. That's great... If you want to be 'Peace in our Time'ing it up in the Papers. He is isolationist, ladies and gents. He is the furthest thing from a global citizen possible. Removing ourselves from the international economy is not my idea of a new hope for America. Being afraid of globalization is a bit like my grandma being convinced satan is rooted in the internet and refusing to use a computer. Let go, folks, and do something to make it a positive transition.

Globalization isn't some thing we can just avoid... the only country to successfully avoid it so far is North Korea... Free trade isn't exactly free either, as the current construction unfairly favors developed countries. Hence the 'make it a positive transition'. RK hates me for saying that.

Sorry about the KKK reference earlier, it was only made to show that smart people can be wrong. Ron Paul is no racist though. He even suggests on his website that the answer to discrimination is LIBERTY. No, I don't think one of W's speech writers slipped this one in there... read on:



"The true antidote to racism is liberty. Liberty means having a limited, constitutional government devoted to the protection of individual rights rather than group claims. Liberty means free-market capitalism, which rewards individual achievement and competence - not skin color, gender, or ethnicity" Ronpaul2008.com

Where do I start? Firstly, unregulated free-market capitalism promotes monopolistic empires and oligarchic leadership. I agree we should reward individual achievement and competence. And frankly, minorites have accomplished more to get to that point considering the still prevalent amount of bias within society. Look up wealth disparity by race, and lets see if capitalism favors their competence. Or maybe nonwhite races, women, and people from other cultures are just less competent.

Wait just a second here.... I wonder what is missing.... hrmm....

Skin Color.... Gender... Ethnicity......

These three are repeatedly used when discussing discrimination in Paul's vision for America. I guess gay men and lesbian women haven't ever been discriminated against. Sexual Orientation is not even a factor, Ron? I oughtta slap that Gandalf twinkle right off of your face.

On another note, I'm so happy to hear, as a gay man with a Hispanic last name, that liberty is going to come help me! or at least that little hispanic part of me. Look at the before/after photo below to see how liberty helped this legal Honduran immigrant to the US:



Before, she was only given low-paying jobs cutting apart chickens in Omaha. But when liberty was kind enough to grace her with its noble presence, she became multi-millionaire businessman Kenneth Lay. Liberty clearly solved her socio-economic status problems, and it cleaned her up to a more competent race and sex as well! Didn't he die of a heart attack? Must've been the foul stench of globalization's encroaching hands. O fetid, acrid stench how we mustn't entertain thee amongst our economy!


Guns? He is more conservative than the NRA on 2nd Amendment "rights". Everyone, regardless of their situation, should have one of their own!

Immigration? Build a wall, kick-em-out.

And lastly, the most ridiculous idea since the formation of this blog: reverting back to the gold standard. I see why Wonkette dubbed the supporters Paul-tards.

What worries me is the amount of formerly socially liberal hipsters jumping on the 'alternative' bandwagon. Why are you giving this man money if he sees it as meaningless without gold backing anyway? Stop the madness. You are wasting your vote on the wRONg Paul.

THE NORTH

When we think of El Norte, what do we think? Coal? Tweed? Blowing into ones hands after coming inside from a blustery Cambridge Nor'easter and smiling knowingly at our be-turtlenecked fiance who already has our skim chai latte with hand-grated nutmeg ready for us?

I'm sure all those and more.

But you're wrong. There is no "The North." At least not since about 1892. Allow me to opine:

I'm from the midwest, as you know. This means, according to some, that I've grown up on a farm, have a keen sense of the weather at all times, and know how much a gallon of gas cost in 1998. I do. 87 cents at one point. Look it up.

As such, I have no interest in the North/South debate, except to note that the "North" is merely anything "Not the South" and includes Texas and California by most peoples' approximations. This is geographically confusing. Let's see if google image search can help.

...It did not.

But having lived in the traditional North a little while, I can relay the following things that were said:

"Anything south of Elizabeth (NJ) is the South."

"Virginia is Alabama with a tent."

All this apparently is with the understanding that Northerners are more tolerant, clean, and industrious people while Southerners are backwards and lazy. These are of course eternal truths, eternal as the truth that the silver light of the moon sends young maidens into fits of lust. I've seen it happen.

But the insidious thing is victor's/victim's syndrome. People from the North assuming its better because they won the war over slavery federalism 150 years ago, and people from the South saying it's gonna rise again. These are fringes on both sides, but these attitudes persist. Read this book for an interesting bit of sociology.

Really all it is - regionalism. Everybody's a little proud of where they're from, and your region is kinda like your little brother. YOU can pick on him, but nobody else can, because he's your little brother.

Sure, most industry is in the North, but presidents come from the South. There's a lot of political corruption everywhere, but machine politics were a purely Northern phenomenon. But the South has Bojangles. What does this tell us? I have no idea, but I guarantee that the worst Nor'easter has got nothing on an average Alberta Clipper. Midwest represent!

THE SOUTH

So, a lot of folks across the nation associate the south with many negative things and people. A great example of this is the late Strom Thurmond (side note: is it really 'late' if they live for 100 years?) We have provided two photos of Senator Thurmond below:



As you can see, Strom, although dead for several years, came back from the dead (hence the further aging, scars) to star as the evil Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter movies. The studio reports spending much less on makeup than previously anticipated, and cites his 'uncanny knack for portraying villains' among his many fine thespian qualities.

In all seriousness, Strom Thurmond sort of symbolizes what the US nonsouth often thinks of the people living in VA, NC, SC, GA, AL, MS, TN, LA, KY, AR and parts of TX and FL. They see southerners as antiquated, racist, biased, steeped in meaningless tradition, republicans who are responsible for world's perception of the US as ignorant.




Fact: we southerners all live in columned houses with underpaid (and black) servants, well-manicured lawns, sipping sweet tea and admiring great-granddaddy's civil war era pistol, given to him by the great Confederate war hero, Robert E. Lee. We deplore the urban scene, as it is an attack on our rich antebellum heritage. We are also responsible for the nation's political problems. Oh, and women don't belong anywhere but at home. Preferably knitting and/or sewing more patriotic memorabilia (oh i just adore mommy's recreation of the original stars and bars, we shall hang it in the servant's quarters!) We are all lazy.

Now I won't be claiming that we don't have all of the above residing in the south- I would only like to point out the the nonsouth is just as homophobic, racist, biased, and steeped in meaningless tradition as anywhere else. Oh, yeah, and they have republicans, too.

If you want modern day de-facto segregation- Take a look at Chicago. Institutionalized racism? try California. Police brutality and bias? NY, anyone? White supremacy? Race Riots? Indiana, Ohio, and Illinois, stand right on up. Hey, wait a minute. We have that here in the south too. lastly, let's take a look at homophobia! Same-sex marriage ban is just another example of the South's bias. Oh wait. Hop right on board, Wisconsin, Michigan, Oregon, Ohio, the Great Plains, and Nevada. Not to mention the majority of other states who don't allow any homosexual union but have no specific laws banning it (de-facto bans). For every redneck-racist you point out to me, I can point out a country-club racist in your own neck of the woods to match.

Next, I'd like to clear up another misconception about the South that bothers me: Southern Metropolitan areas somehow are often excluded as 'exceptions' to the South, that cannot be tabulated into the preconceived notions the Nonsouth presents as fact. For Example:

Atlanta has among the best wealth distributions with regard to minority status in the US.

Atlanta doesn't count, its a big city that isn't really 'southern'.

Sorry y'all (and a very purposeful y'all), there is an Urban South, and the cities within it are definitely southern in root, culture, and scene. Just because you have unfairly labeled the south as a conglomeration of rural, Mayberry-like towns (of which many of you find both romantic and revolting?) does not mean it holds true.



Charlotte, North Carolina is a favorite city of TL and RK. It is southern. I ate salmon cakes and cornbread before hitting up the clubs in Uptown. RK is wooed by the antique restaurant district.

Atlanta, New Orleans, Charlotte, Nashville, Memphis, Charleston, Virginia Beach, Richmond.... these all count as part of the south. Some are more inclusive than others, some have more homophobia than others...

But its home. So next time you scoff as someone being from the south, realize that there are gay people that live here. There are more African-Americans living here than any other part of the country. Hispanics? Count them in too. Yes, this diversity has brought in the bias and discrimination that has accompanied any diversity in any nation worldwide since the beginning of time. We have major problems that need to be fixed. So do you, Nonsouth. Your urban centers are your main sources of diversity, and with history as my guide, I have seen just as many problems in the Nonsouth than I have anywhere else.

Homopobia and Racism is not the South's problem. We will take no ownership of that as a region. It is OUR problem, as Americans. If you've got beef with racism in the south, quit bitching about it and do something to help combat it.

And lastly, if you're going to insult the south... realize that it is my home. I grew up here (my parents are both from deeper south), and I love it (I don't mean love here in an I <3 NY way) . Sure, sometimes it can be a bit like that jerk-sibling you have that picks on you and drives you crazy. But in the end, you still love them, because they are family. And you want the best for them.

Sure, I intend to live other places than the American South during my life. But I won't ever turn my back on it.

Mother Russia probably wishes she had an abortion

Well, I suppose Lenin wouldn't be laughing at how everything has turned out. I mean, the USSR has evolved into a new Russia, where the power-vacuum has been filled in by billionaire monopolistic business owners, and an overly-powerful and authoritarian leader. The average lifespan is declining due mainly to alcoholism among the population, they are completely left out to dry and ignored by most of Europe, and have a rough relationship with the United States. Oh wait. Nothing has really changed. Ironic Curtain?

I really do want the best for Russia though. They always produce a wide variety of hilarious Olympic rivalries, and frankly, new 'big-guy' China just isn't as fun when it comes to these. But it does have a human and civil rights record that rivals even the best of the soviet years!

Plus, the US just isnt going to crank out anyone worthy of beating Federer. Except maybe intelligent, well-dressed, and talented James Blake (apply most presidential campaign slogans here: James Blake- A new American future!). Perhaps Russia's tennis factory can crank out just one worthy opponent. I'm tired of I-choked-on-a-banana Nadal, and Djokavic isn't going to last that long.

Lets see... i've covered politics, sports and that leaves me with... oh, sexuality.

I just want to put one quick thing out there.

Gay men don't choose to be gay. Read the actual conversations below. Names have been removed.


TL: Hey, I just wanted to let you know I like dudes

**: Thanks for sharing your lifestyle decision with me


TL: Actually, I like guys

**: When did you know?!

So the above were examples of purely friendly and innocently nonhomophobic conversations. However, I am tired during the argument (you know the one) of the side argument that gay men choose their sexuality at some point during their lives.

Please refrain from calling me a homosexual, I am really a heterosexual who is sexually attracted to men.

It just doesn't make any sense! We don't choose it, we know we don't choose it, and you refuting our personal knowledge of ourselves as garbage is only a display of your ignorance. So if you would like to continue displaying it, please move on to another argument that has at least some biased opinion to back it up.

I won't waste my time discussing it anymore. I know for a fact I didn't choose to be gay. However it has not been proven either way that I did or did not choose it. Throw that one out, and get to the actual content, or lack thereof.

So, gays... stop putting up with it!
and homophobes... Jesus is probably ticked off at you right now. seriously. what is your problem?

Ok, that's enough bloggin' for me, for now.

As Levar Burton would say at the end of a certain show-

But you don't have to take my word for it!

Beware the Homosexual!

But surely we've come a long way in 40 years?! Well.....

From the AV club.

Michael Stipe Unavailable for Comment

From Wonkette.

ETERNAL GLORY!

Everybody in the athletic world enjoys one thing: competition. Better yet, they like winning competitions. So what's an easy ticket to eternal glory? That's right. I said it.

ETERNAL GLORY!!! ITALICIZED! BZWAH!

Coming out.

There has got to be at least one top-tier pro athlete out there who likes guys (please be Federer, (Roger, if you're reading this, ditch the chunky 'girlfriend'!). And i'm not talking about an athlete who will historically be remembered more for being gay than for his actual athletic conquests (but you go, girl!).

I'm talking about the go-on-I-dare-you-to-talk-trash-about-me, in-your-face, consider-yourself-defeated super-athlete. I'm talking record-shattering, championship-winning, and buzzer-beating perfection. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Everyone calls you gay as an 'insult' anyway. Just come out, acknowledge that yes, you are, in fact, a gay man, and do a sick-nasty pump fake power bomb to the end zone. Or strike them out swinging. Or dunk high above them, letting your man parts dangle in front of their bigoted faces like a rainbow flag on Ann Coulter's house.

Come out before the height of your career, or eternal glory is not yours. You will be another one of the growing handful of pro-athletes who were too afraid of what could happen if they dared to let the world know of their scandalous genetic disposition. Athletic success is about playing to the best of your ability, pulling out all of the stops to kick someone else's ass. Not coming out before its all over is kind of like letting the game go into overtime instead of taking the shot with 2 seconds left. Safe, yes. But what athlete wouldn't want the chance to take that shot?

Yes, your sexuality will be discussed more than immigration right before an election. But the fact is, neither of them really accomplish anything, and neither of them concern you.

Yes, you will be taunted, spit on, unfairly bashed, called names, be the subject of way too many late-night comic routines for far too long, and when you play for the title, someone will cleverly (ha! so original!) incorporate Brokeback Mountain into your name, your team, or the game you're playing. And here's betting the refs or umps don't give you as many breaks as the other guys out there.

Yes, people will question whether you belong in the locker room. Then let your franchise build you your own. They need you. If they are biased, let someone else do it.

Yes, you won't get as many advertisement spots, and you won't be paid nearly as much as you deserve at first.

Oh wait. Maybe I wouldn't come out either, that shit is ridiculous and it sucks. But I'm just a simple unemployed blogger. What do I know?

So be remembered as a great athlete (of which there are many) don't ever fall in love, and live in fear your whole life, champ!

Or be remembered as a pioneer for the way America thinks about homosexuality, a step-above the hero-athlete status, someone who kicked ass on and off the court, and just be yourself.

ETERNAL GLORY? well let's just say Amaechi wasn't quite there. But good for him...

He had the balls to wait till he was retired and 37 to come out.

eternal glory. 'nuff said.

I Want My City Back

In the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' 2002 effort "Jackknife to a Swan," there's a song entitled, I want my city back.


I want my city back
Back the way it used to be
I want it back the way it was

It's not my city, but I used to love Boston. Yeah, I haven't been there since 2003, but seriously, there's a great Chinese place that breaks at least a dozen health codes and I'm not sure where it is... where was I?

Remember when Boston was this place that was supposed to be sort of a blue collar mecca? I mean, yeah, it was kinda is definitely racist as a town, but c'mon! The basketball floor was warped because of the divine pounding of the (original) big three. Where every team was a hard luck group of bums (except for Auerbach's Celtics, and it encouraged faith in white people), and you hung on to baseball as long as you could because goddamn it gets cold in Boston.

I look around
And it doesn't feel like my home town
And I don't like the way it does feel

Yeah, I could just bet bitter. As you know, I'm a North Dakotan by birth, Minnesotan by trade, and Hebrew at heart. Yeah, go ahead and take David Ortiz and win a couple championships.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Oh, would you like Randy Moss?

(Tertiarily...?) YOU'RE WELCOME.

Oh come on, I know McHale was part of the original big three, but there's no way he'd give up KG, right?

FUCK YOU, BOSTON.

And now... Santana? 2-time Cy Young award winner? Best Venezuelan grimace this side of Luis Rivas?

Now I know the Twins can't afford to keep him. Even though they have an owner who pees gold bullion (ewwww) and is by far the richest owner in the MLB, they can't cough up the dough Santana would command. So fine. But if he goes to Boston, I want both Elsbury AND Lester. That would save a bunch of pink-hatted Red Sox fans from wearing shirts that Say "Mrs. Elsbury" and a slew of babies named Jacoby.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Honestly, females of Red Sox Nation... have some dignity.

Boston, no more complaining. You've got it good (don't get me started about Backup College), and probably better than you deserve. So...

THINGS ABOUT BOSTON THAT SUCK:

1. The T. Get a real subway.
2. The Big Dig
3. The Bruins (Did you know people play "ice hockey" in America? I didn't think so)
4. Did I mention the racist vibe?
5. Ally McBeal

Please understand, the athletes I like. KG's a good guy, and I have a sort of perverse admiration for Belichick's decision to wag a middle finger in the NFL's face by obliterating everyone. It's the fans. The next time you hear a "no respect" mantra from a Boston ____ fan, imagine a dancing baby, and be ready to serve your sentence.

Piss off, Boston. We've had about enough.

College Football...

A recap of a conversation early in the season:

TL: This game is ridiculous, it's tied up with 2 minutes left.... Both QB's are hot, instead of overtime, both quarterbacks should meet at the 50 yard line and make out.

RK: who wins?

TL: does it even matter?

RK: *announcer voice* the qb's are making out at midfield! game over ladies and gents!

Well, on that note, (Following WVU's collapse and Mizzou's blowout) the BCS has just descended to comparable levels of chaos and confusion with:

-Los Angeles Riots, 1992
-Baghdad, current
-Huntington's Clash of Civilizations, the future
-lastly, whatever the hell is going on in this music video...

Perhaps allowing established rap artists, such as Mr. Dogg, to vote in a BCS poll would solve the problem. It would probably make about as much sense.

Well, now, I will present my inaugural all-looks Heisman Award.

To be a candidate for the Homo Heisman (how clever!), the QB must already be an established possibility for the Heisman Trophy. Through diligent research, I will select the best photo available on the internet of the candidates, and then compare them.




















What a shame this honor didn't exist last season, because Brady Quinn might've actually been deserving of an award. While the Fighting-I...haven't-won-a-bowl-since-1994-rish are a much hated team by myself, may God bless Brady Quinn and his body.

Brady Quinn: Hate him or not, he's a handsome feller....
....moving on to the 2007 CONTENDERS for....













Colt Brennan, Hawaii
well, Colt, you have a nice body. But questionable hair choices... (A map of Hawaii...in your hair?) and a sex-crime scandal while at the university of Colorado pretty much push you out of contention. That and you almost lost to Washington.














Chase Daniel, Mizzou
Well, he's got some rugged handsome charm, a knack for passing, and some good stats. While handsome, in a sort of uber-jock sort of way, I pick up a little bit of an "i'm too straight' vibe from this QB. Well, 3rd place isn't bad, Mr. Daniel.

Likes: Boobies, Meat, Lifting weights, and hitting things with his head
















Tim Tebow, Florida
well outside of his perfectly sculpted, hairless chest, Tebow has boyish good looks, a cute smile, a friendly disposition, and nice eyes. His downside includes a beakish nose, but that is more than okay considering his parents were missionaries. My soft spot for PK's and MK's comes heavily into play here.

Who says MK's and PK's can't have good bodies?





Darren McFadden, Arkansas

Well, to top off being this season's most prolific BCS conference rusher, Mr. McFadden is quite the looker as well. A great smile, handsome face, and nice legs round it out. I think Darren might be the most well-roundedly handsome guy in the race. But it's close with Tebow...

Extra points for wearing the pig hat, Darren... and look at those calf muscles! Damn.


Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Tie.

TIM TEBOW and DARREN MCFADDEN are tied for good looks. To decide, they must now make out at the 50 yard-line of any stadium within driving distance of our writer, TL.

Strangely enough, my actual Heisman ballot would probably be between these two anyway. Perhaps they can make out at the ceremony in NYC.

Sorry this blog was so gay, but you can blame the gay agenda for that. And those damn activist judges.

We promise this blog'll be funny...

Well, here it is, the inaugural post of a blog soon to conquer the confines of the internet, and spread far beyond.

So a gay preacher's kid and a straight North Dakotan Jew walk into a bar.

WAIT we swear its not even a joke. The following (and very excitingly colored) pie charts sum up the essences of each administrator with access to the blog. Have a look!

TL:

As you can see, Chick-fil-a combo meals make up approximately 48% of TL's essence. Consisting of a classic Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich (with pickles, no condiments), a regular sized portion of waffle fries, and a cookies-n-cream milkshake (preferably made by the hard-working underage children who staff a certain franchise location in Southwest Virginia (no, this isn't a joke)) and for a cost of around $5. Not open on Sundays.

Sports make up another 20% of TL's essence. His likes include: College sports (the ACC), MLB (The Atlanta Braves) Roger Federer (approx. 40% of this section), Hating on Andy Roddick, and World Cup Soccer. Don't be surprised to catch him watching UEFA cup championships on any given day.

Sarcasm comes in with a healthy 15% of essence. More on that later.

Politics comes in next at 10%, with an degree in international relations (world politics and policy), and a belief in the good the capitalist system can be used to create. Dislikes include: Hugo Chavez Likes include: Hugo Chavez. He's just so crazy its funny.

Next, TL's inherent good nature wraps up his essence with a delightful bow made up only with the smiles and laughter that fill his heart and warm your soul! Told you that sarcasm would come into play...

And finally, the pie-chart maker that is www.mathwarehouse.com has conveniently labeled both 1% homosexuality and 1% Southern Baptist upbringing as 'other'. It has also designated other with the most bland color from its oh-so-already-wonderful palette. This is just further evidence of the anti-gay bias within the United States. Mathwarehouse.com is clearly part of the extreme Christian right. The only reason we have to thank them for also labeling my Southern Baptist roots as 'other' would be activist judges. You get the point though. I like guys and I simultaneously believe I am going to hell because of it. Just kidding! We'll leave the self-hating to our Jewish co-blogger, RK!


RK:

RK's essence begins with a delicate balance of wit, charm, and style, without which, he would be considered a common pervert. His likes include: Flashy neckties, fancy pants, and designer glasses.

Secondly, RK's essence is made of Sheetz breakfast bagelz. With a z. Many a late night pilgrimage has been made just to fill up on the butter soaked, sausage, double egg, and cheese delicacy sent from heaven to taunt fat people from sea to shining sea. About $2.50. Open 24 Hours, and the person serving you is once again, probably underage.

Political swagger is not only a part of RK's degree, but it is a part of his being. Growing up in a peasant family in the foothills of the Ural Mountains, oh wait, North Dakota (is it that much different?) RK was actually a reincarnation of Antonio Gramsci. His parents tried to shelter him from the inherent call of higher education in order to repress his inner politik. Escaping the confines of his humble farm beginning, RK has now become a leading thinker in the political community.

What would RK be without a big ol' dose of self hate. As both a Jewish man and the boyfriend of a model, he gets by with his self-deprecating humor, and his sexual insecurity (He has a keen attraction to political cougars who have neck hairs (Nancy misses you, RK))

After this comes his love of sports. A diehard follower of the Minnesota Twins, he also has been known to support Big 10 Athletics, the Patriots (dis-gusting.) and Maria Sharapova's right breast.

Lastly, RK eats every item seperately and at once during his meals. For example: #1 Combo. Robert will: Eat all fries. Then, and only then, he will open up his sandwich holder, and eat his sandwich.) This is essential to his essence.

Well, that's enough for now. Consider yourself introduced