I Want My City Back

In the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' 2002 effort "Jackknife to a Swan," there's a song entitled, I want my city back.


I want my city back
Back the way it used to be
I want it back the way it was

It's not my city, but I used to love Boston. Yeah, I haven't been there since 2003, but seriously, there's a great Chinese place that breaks at least a dozen health codes and I'm not sure where it is... where was I?

Remember when Boston was this place that was supposed to be sort of a blue collar mecca? I mean, yeah, it was kinda is definitely racist as a town, but c'mon! The basketball floor was warped because of the divine pounding of the (original) big three. Where every team was a hard luck group of bums (except for Auerbach's Celtics, and it encouraged faith in white people), and you hung on to baseball as long as you could because goddamn it gets cold in Boston.

I look around
And it doesn't feel like my home town
And I don't like the way it does feel

Yeah, I could just bet bitter. As you know, I'm a North Dakotan by birth, Minnesotan by trade, and Hebrew at heart. Yeah, go ahead and take David Ortiz and win a couple championships.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Oh, would you like Randy Moss?

(Tertiarily...?) YOU'RE WELCOME.

Oh come on, I know McHale was part of the original big three, but there's no way he'd give up KG, right?

FUCK YOU, BOSTON.

And now... Santana? 2-time Cy Young award winner? Best Venezuelan grimace this side of Luis Rivas?

Now I know the Twins can't afford to keep him. Even though they have an owner who pees gold bullion (ewwww) and is by far the richest owner in the MLB, they can't cough up the dough Santana would command. So fine. But if he goes to Boston, I want both Elsbury AND Lester. That would save a bunch of pink-hatted Red Sox fans from wearing shirts that Say "Mrs. Elsbury" and a slew of babies named Jacoby.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Honestly, females of Red Sox Nation... have some dignity.

Boston, no more complaining. You've got it good (don't get me started about Backup College), and probably better than you deserve. So...

THINGS ABOUT BOSTON THAT SUCK:

1. The T. Get a real subway.
2. The Big Dig
3. The Bruins (Did you know people play "ice hockey" in America? I didn't think so)
4. Did I mention the racist vibe?
5. Ally McBeal

Please understand, the athletes I like. KG's a good guy, and I have a sort of perverse admiration for Belichick's decision to wag a middle finger in the NFL's face by obliterating everyone. It's the fans. The next time you hear a "no respect" mantra from a Boston ____ fan, imagine a dancing baby, and be ready to serve your sentence.

Piss off, Boston. We've had about enough.