Why They Exist

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When it comes to sexuality, a version of this product exists. The ex-gay ministry. For those of you unfamiliar with this charming segment of fundamentalist Christian evangelism, the basic premise is that homosexuality (a sin in their eyes) can be cured by a rigorous program of prayer, bible study, mental training, etc.

For many years, American society successfully worked as an ex-gay ministry with repressive laws, social stigma, hate crimes, and police raids that kept gay men and lesbian women in the closet and in fear (and it still works this way, only not as strong). The growth of the gay rights movement, the downfall of many repressive laws (also the APA listing homosexuality as a mental disorder), and general boost in self-confidence created a fear of acceptance in the right. So what better way to make money than to cater to the already fragile minds of closeted gay men who want a life where they aren't hated, shunned, beaten, and lonely.

The ex-gay ministry is an attempt to take those rightfully scared men and women, and abuse them psychologically until they have convinced themselves that they are not, in fact, homosexual. Psychological abuse can certainly change the way a person behaves and thinks. The damage these 'ministries' are doing to people's minds is deep and often irreparable. It teaches people that they are inferior, that they are mistakes that can be corrected. As in Morrison's novel-the human mind can convince itself many things, even that a brown eye is blue. But it is not without a toll.

The title here is "why they exist". Who would I be referring to? The Ted Haggards, the Larry Craigs, the self-hating double personalities of the world. This identity crisis is the result of years of psychological abuse, from societal pressure to internal pressure. What emerges is something of a monster. One portion of the mind sets up a system of thought processes, denials, and a logic of illogic that allows said person to pursue a moral life. Often, homophobia (which is seriously an issue within individuals) (if they hate the fact they are homosexual, yes, they are homophobes) is a result, using this illogical network of barriers to discriminate and fight against their true being. This portion of the mind separates, and becomes the minister, the conservative politician, the homophobic 'straight' friend of yours who always seems like something is wrong deep down. It's not that hard to convince yourself that you are straight. You may even have sex with women, get married, and start a family. Yes, the mind can do amazing things. But is this a 'cure'? is this a successful intervention from the good lord above?

The other side of the monster sends us a resounding NO. The human necessity of intimacy from another person, both sexual and emotional, comes into play. And for homosexuals, that necessity comes from someone of the same sex. If you think you are destined to the pits of hell, if you know you shouldn't do something- you might as well make it shameful when you do. Resort to the hidden and dark backrooms of clubs, the airport bathrooms, the prostitutes in motels. Often drugs and booze help to calm this horrific rearing of the repressed mind.

I feel genuine pity for people like Haggard and Craig. They both come from a repressed generation, where information was not as free (hello internet) and resources for understanding sexuality were understandably absent. They built up such hatred for themselves that they believed it. They are broken men, and probably have suffered so much self-torment and abuse, coupled with societal pressure, that they will not ever recover.

Yet our generation mocks them, cracking jokes and pushing them around, asking 'why do guys like that exist?!'. Many non-gay people ask "how can they be gay if they have a wife and kids?" or suggest their deviant, non-committed, and lustful relationships reflect why homosexuality is sinful. Its pretty easy to ask (and frankly, may explain why much of gay culture is so 'deviant' and afraid of commitment). The answer is painfully obvious. These guys never had resources to understand homosexuality. Couple that with repression and societal expectations, heteronormative class structure, and hormonal changes as a young adult, and what do you get? The two headed monster, a ridiculously high suicide rate among young gay men, and a slew of homophobic politicians, ministers, and leaders with a skeleton, quite literally, in the closet.