Let Me Get Right to the Point Here

CLICK ON THIS TO SEE THE FULL SIZED VERSION!

Way to go, Paultards! That really took foot, i'm glad all of you gave so much money to America's next president.

And lastly, the race being slimmed down, I compiled the worst pictures I could find of our remaining candidates! Sure, Huckabee is missing, but so is Bill, since he seems to be running as well! Scarily, there aren't many bad pictures of presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. This might be because he is, in fact, a robot. The Olympic torch gaze of power will have to do. So, ladies and gents, one of these 4 people will be our next president:


In order from left to right:
"I am how old?"
"I am so tired someone else put this in my mouth and I haven't noticed"
"I AM EATING YOUR CHILDREN IN MY MIND!"
"O Great Earth! Error message: 10189 Troubleshoot?"

ONCE AGAIN, CLICK FOR A FULL SIZED VERSION

I can't wait for November!

Sex, Drugs, and... well, just sex.

Due to the lack of good rock music (thanks for that, Nickelback), this post will focus on sex. It is going to be heavily linked, but I promise they will make it entertaining. Particularly criminal law surrounding prostitution . I will use my own Commonwealth of Virginia as the basis for my arguments and observation.

So doing a little bit of sex-related-crime research, I found it is illegal to keep a 'bawdy place'. Congratulations RK, you just committed a crime, you disgusting stain upon my gleaming alabaster Commonwealth. Your apartment most certainly qualifies as a bawdy place, given the amount of consensual lewdness that goes on there. The following evidence was drawn by an unnamed witness to activity within the premises of RK's apartment/bawdy place:

"Oh RK, I want you to gain knowledge of me carnally through the anus or by the mouth!"
"But of course darling, I will voluntarily submit to such carnal knowledge"
"Let's commit a crime against nature, my sweet"

Stop right there! Crimes against nature? I thought those were struck down due to Lawrence v. Texas!? Well, my great Commonwealth has chosen to defy the vile activist judges, and join other great, modern, free places in standing up against sexual deviance! On that map, Virginia is the shining red bastion of hope in the USA, joining together with a diverse coalition of well-meaning Islamic Republics, never-corrupt African and Latin American governments, and of course, Cuba! 1-5 years in prison for consensual non-commercial, private sex, however, is a slap on the wrist. Upgrade to the death penalty!

Well I just deviated from my original train of thought, so let's get back to it.

So in Virginia, once you catch a hooker, it is appropriate to confine them in a prison, a county farm, or a hospital. County farm?



Geez its cold out here guys. I wish those hookers would leave so we can have our barn back.

Basically what I'm getting at here is that our current laws regarding prostitution and 'crimes against nature'(among other things) are antiquated and need a very quick revamping. Don't ask me what to do about it though. I only think that punishing the prostitute makes about as much sense as punishing the drug user. Rehabilitation makes a lot more sense if you want to focus on eliminating a problem.

So um.... RK needs to post soon.

My Beef with the EU

I have a rather bizarre theory to present. Please, before reading further, do realize that this is a very rough, not-very-thought-out presentation of ideas. I don't often post disclaimers like this, but every now and then, it is warranted due to my passionate nature. This same nature re-did the blog-header. Vibrant, is it not?

So here is my claim (in old-school SAT format analogy!):

128.) The European Union : The United States of America : :

A) Umbrella: Windshield Wiper
B) Apple : Microsoft
C) Octopus: Chicken
D) Banana: Newt Gingrich
E) Chipotle: Taco Bell

Well, as much as Chipotle is awesome, sometimes I still crave a steak grilled-stuft-burrito from Taco Bell. I know its completely disgusting, but it is simultaneously awesome. Kind of like Courtney Love in this video.

Oh, right... The answer: (B)


New EU Comes in 8 Slick Colors! EU NANO!

I always secretly hope to get spam that says "EU ENLARGMENT PILZ $3.40 NO TURKEY ALLOWED!"

I am really rambling, perhaps because it is getting late. But onward, ho! (not you, Courtney Love)...

So many poli-sci students nowadays enjoy pulling out the 'well healthcare in the EU... well taxes in the EU... well environmental policy in the EU...' argument to suggest that we in America are just NOT WITH IT at all. And while we are most certainly not with it, I would like to put it out there that neither is the EU. They are like Apple circa 1998 (with the release of everyone's favorite candy-colored computer, the I-mac). Wow, an alternative to the status-quo! A new product, with a different mouse and a new style!

And all I have heard since is how wonderful everything Apple makes, and why everyone must have the new i-shit. Haha, I shit. Well, everybody shits. That's my point. While first a quaint hero rising against the hegemonic Microsoft (aka USA), Apple was admired by hipsters and computer-geeks alike. The familiar apple logo appeared on far too many new candy-colored VW bugs as bumper stickers. And now? The once friendly savior of those enslaved to Microsoft has now become its own monster. It too can succumb to defects, viruses, poor-quality manufacturing, environmental issues, and more. Steve Jobs vs. Bill Gates? Surprisingly, the latter wins on philanthropy. I'm just pointing things out here.

It is easy to jump on the i-phone bandwagon, but I urge you to take a look at the at&t only tie in. Apple is just as much a money-making machine as the next guy. Same deal with the EU.

The EU is just as flawed (if not more) than the US. Sure, their currency is strong, but they have their bank crises. They have their military problems (Balkans, anyone?). For every economic protectionist policy we have, they have one for their own agricultural problem. Fair Trade? Not so hot. Even the environment... do your research and they aren't that far ahead, and even then its more a result of their cities being planned before the dawn of the automobile, and therefore conveniently mixed-use sustainability. I'm not pointing out US superiority here. I am only pointing out that the fashionable EU-centric response by political-hipsters will no longer be tolerated by me.

Both companies offer great products. Both companies have major flaws. Just go easy there. Or just jump on the next 'oh this is just SO great' bandwagon. I suggest Ron Paul. Sorry this post was kind of murky and dull. It seemed like a good idea at the start, and descended into a pictureless bog of despair. Here's a video:

Sexiness Abounds In the World of Sports!

So, by now, y'all have heard my hypothesis that in the event of a tied football game, the quarterbacks (if attractive) should proceed to the 50 yard line and make out, shirtless. But don't think I forgot the lesbians and men who enjoy girl-on-girl action (perhaps RK can blog about this phenomenon? I don't understand). So here it is. For all of you macho-men who hate tennis, which is probably the best all-around sport out there as far as skills and endurance are concerned, you are missing out. I have been touting the beauty of the homo-eroticism present in male sporting events for many years now, often to no avail, to many in the homosexual community.

But to all of you female admirers out there, I present to you the championship match of the 2008 Australian Open: Ana Ivanovic (Serbia) vs Maria Sharapova (Russia). Delightfully catty 6 foot tall 20-year olds square off on the blue courts of Melbourne.

Example: Maria Sharapova serves an ace, exclaims 'c'monnn!' while looking directly into Ivanovic's eyes.

Ivanovic returns her next serve brilliantly, and promptly issues a retaliatory c'mon right back at her, almost mockingly.

Sharapova shoots beams of pure hatred from her eyes, almost hitting Ivanovic, but inadvertently scalding several ball-kid's faces.

Sharapova wins, 7-5, 6-3.

So, what is my point here? They are both hot. I have compiled two decent (and not even fantastic) photos of them for your enjoyment. Perhaps for the sake of being fair, they should make out at the net after the match, shirtless:


I think we can all hope this turns into the female version of the Federer/Nadal rivalry.

Wowza. Seriously, y'all need to get to watching tennis. In other tennis news, Roger Federer, king of tennis, and idol of TL, failed to reach the finals of the Australian Open.

w
t
federer

Roger will be back. He will finally win the French Open. I really don't have anything else to say.

On to football! I wasn't aware it existed outside of college, but the NFL is preparing for a battle between the NY Giants and the NE Patriots (a rematch of a great late-season game). If there was ever a Super-Bowl where the QB's absolutely should make out with one another, this is it. Nobody can touch Tom Brady's good looks in the NFL. Couple that with Eli Manning's charming boy-next-door cute factor, and the 50-yard line tie proposal seems great. Here are a couple of shots of Brady and one of Manning for your viewing pleasure. The Brady pictures are from a Stetson Cologne Ad:


Click the picture to get a good look into Tom Brady's dreamy eyes. Swoon.

But no worry, his handsome charm won't sway me to root for the evil team he plays for.

Go Giants.

Iran: Land of the Aryans (Look it up, no joke!)

"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country. We don't have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it."

"I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle"

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pictured above), president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, had some pretty ignorant quips in his speech at Columbia University this past September. The second quote actually belongs to US presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Thought I'd sneak that one in there to provoke some thought about what direction the USA could be headed:



Annnnnd Chevy has a new truck advertisement. Well, comparing the two leaders is too easy (kind of like Slylock Fox's 'six differences' comics). I am going to let y'all figure out which bird has one more feather and which sky has one less cloud by yourself. On to things outside of the Sunday funnies?

I was just thinking the other day about how just about anyone in the US, liberal or conservative, laughs at the sheer absurdity of the ignorant quote Ahmadinejad made regarding homosexuality. Now I'm not saying the US and Iran are the same place/different religion.

Speaking of religion, somewhere deep down in the Bible, there is a passage about removing the plank in your own eye before you criticize the sawdust in someone else's eye. Y'all all know of it, I am sure. Now while this isn't quite a plank and sawdust scenario....

Don't point at Ahmadinejad's blindness and laugh, without realizing our nation is in serious need of some lasik surgery. But TL, whatever do you mean by this?

Don't Ask. Don't Tell.

Sure, with the military spread too thin and in desperate need for translators, the legislation passed by the Clinton administration (built by Colin Powell) will surely be struck down in the coming years. But is it not just as ignorant for the world's most powerful military to effectually deny the existence of homosexuals within its own ranks? Sure, the argument is more eloquent. It has to be in order to be written into law. A translation of the legislation is provided below:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell:

I. Section one states that we never wanted women in our ranks, and therefore the rest of this legislation will only refer to men.

II. Gay men are not perceived as masculine or strong, and therefore do not belong in our ranks fighting.

a) They must keep their sexuality a secret from everyone they spend their lives with. If they do not, they will be dishonorably discharged for being openly gay.

b) no one can ask about homosexuality either, in order to keep everything under wraps.

c)The above ensure that men percieved to be gay (gay or not) are subject to victimization and discrimination within the military (even to the point of murder) due to inability to voice their concerns or be open about why they are in danger.

III. Gay men therefore, in effect, heretherein, aforementioned within the rights vested in the United States of America and the vestiges of our posterity between the gratuitous framing of our forefathers, do not exist within the US military.

They don't inherently deny the existence of homosexual men and women in uniform. They just quash almost every possible hope of them living empowered, open, happier lives.

Funny our (supposed) largest threat internationally has the same belief!

Well, I didn't mean to get into the whole debate. Just pointing out our sawdust/plank conundrum. DADT is just the tip of a huge social iceberg. Social iceberg?

On a side note, I will say (and this goes for sports too) if I hear the shower debate one more time I am going to flip out! I believe I may have even mentioned this once before an a blog of old. Why are straight men afraid of showering with a gay man?


Horrific. Absolutely Horrific. TL wishes he never made this.

Gay men are probably more freaked out because they will be looked at as potential sexual objects to a bunch of horny straight guys who haven't gotten any out in the desert for the past 3 months. If you are that concerned, build them a separate shower (although putting a bunch of gay men in one shower might not be the best idea). Besides, I thought military showers only last like 2 minutes? Get over yourselves, homophobic servicemen. Just because you have a penis doesn't mean your gay counterpart wants it in them.

Lastly, keeping gay men purposefully closeted enables them to look at your junk without your knowledge! They have been spying on your naked ass for the past 3 months and you DON'T EVEN KNOW IT! ROVING QUEER EYES ARE ON YOUR SOAPY ASS!!! Build a new freaking shower if you must. You can do it for women, you can do it for gays too. Get the fuck over it already.

The Majesticrus!

If I kept a list of assholes - and how do you know I don't? - the latest addition would be Archbishop Raymond L. Burke of St. Louis. Perhaps TL can temper me:

RK: How come a guy in a red dress gets to tell people what they can think?

TL: Because the guy in the white dress is too busy?

RK: Did you know this is the same bishop who said John Kerry shouldn't be receiving communion in 2004?

TL: Kerry aborted and ate 3 babies. swift boat veterans for truth.

RK: NEVER FORGET.

OK, I'm calmed down.

I suppose I should tell you about the incident at hand. Rick Majerus, lifelong democrat, and Hillary Rodham Clinton supporter said he was

a) pro-choice
b) pro-gun control
c) pro stem cell research

After which Archbishop Burke said he should be fired, or burned alive, or something, I don't know. Probably fired.

CAVEAT: I know some of you who read this are probably Catholic. I used to be Catholic before I learned to stop worrying and embrace the void. I even lived in a monastery for a year. I'm not talking about well-meaning people who use their faith to make our world a better place, concerned with justice and equality. In fact, the locus of my ire is the fact that the Archbishop is making these fine people look bad.

I don't mind people who are anti-those three things. These are hard decisions that each person has to make for themselves, and far be it from me to tell you that they're wrong. But I do know this: I couldn't tell a pregnant woman what to do, I couldn't tell a family of one of the three kids in Newark that were shot a few months ago that they had to die to make sure people who wanted guns could get guns, and I couldn't tell a person with ALS that they have to suffer because God has a plan for stem cells. Again, you may disagree, as per your prerogative.

But what's the difference? I'm not using political intimidation and threats of firing for your beliefs.

Archbishop Burke sullies his post with this political hackery. To think that you can put on some robes, touch a cross, and think you can influence peoples' lives and well-beings is disgusting to me, especially when things are never quite so clear.

TL will soon post something funny. This just makes me angry that one stupid, stupid man can make so many good people look so bad.

I Can Has Papers?

I love the academic schedule. I had my last class something like November 29th, and this is but the second week of the spring semester.

And what did I do with that time to require a sabbatical from internet blawging? I hid from the interwebs. Yes sir or ma'am, all over the country, I was without an intahrnet connection. But here I am, a little older, a little more well-rested, a little... God, I've lost my sense of humor.

Then to the heart of darkness the matter, some premises:

1. I don't buy the "One World government will destroy us all" meme. I don't think Capital One is The Beast (though I do think it's yet another neoliberal institution to make sure the hoi polloi stays in debt. Nobody steps out of line if you owe!)

2. Jesus and the gold standard mean about as much to me as the mating habits of unicorns.

(Not to be confused with Unicron)

Unicorn:



Unicron:



3. rEVOLution is only cute when in the context of the Beatles.

That said, I'm not a fan of the Real ID Act. Here's the transition, in flow chart form:

Passport. Do you need one to fly within the country? ---> No

to

Passport. Do you need one to fly within the country? ---> Yes, if you're in one of the states that doesn't adopt DHS standards for security measures on state drivers' licenses.

I don't have the list of states that don't plan on adopting it, but I live in or have lived in a couple of them, so this could possibly affect me, and that's what's important.

But RK, what would you propose we do? Those terrorists are coming after us, and they're going to use our sneakers against us; why else do you think we take them off? Surely not just so we can do one more stupid thing that makes us think we're safe?!?

Boy, whoever asked that question just got put on a watch list! Haha, I'm not flying anywhere anytime soon. ANYWAY, make a federal ID. Yep, one with all the security measures you want and say all citizens and residents of the US and A must have one to board an airplane if their state licenses don't stack up. What's so bad about a national ID? It says you're a citizen, doesn't discriminate against those who choose not to have a driver's license and avoids the "bad state" designation. Again, keeping in mind my first premise, I'm not worried about the "ramifications," of such an ID; virtually every other developed nation has a national ID and they're doing alright (Not as well as the USA though! USA! USA! OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!!)

But normatively, and maybe you can come with me here too, it's usually bad regimes that make citizens carry a passport (or papers, if you prefer), to move within the borders of the nation in which they are a citizen. We just can't seem to give away our freedom fast enough.

Sometimes Art....

I was frustrated with all of the things I have heard certain candidates say. Sure, these are not Picassos, and it may have only taken me 10 minutes, but they are raw and expressive. I like them. The roughshod way I put them together sums up my own feelings about the candidate in particular.

But I see why art has always been the counter-attack to all things evil. I thought this would express my sentiment better than a blog post. Enjoy. Let me know if y'all like it. Feel free to give it a click to see the full sized versions.

Fuh Serious, Y'all

Recently, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke saw into the future. His reaction was captured below:



Seriously. I don't want to sound like I'm full of myself, but I was writing papers about the early 90's Japanese recession and its parallels to the current real estate market.... 2 years ago. If a non-econ major, average college student such as myself can see what's coming.... I would expect congress, or at least the Fed to know what's up. Apparently not.

They suggest extending tax cuts, and giving US citizens more money, then encouraging them to spend. I have some equally intelligent suggestions:

1.) Print more money and throw it out! Better yet, shoot it out of those T-shirt cannon things, into crowds of potential voters.
2.) Invade the EU

Well then. I honestly think the photo sums it up. While some devaluation of the dollar actually helps us with our trade imbalance (cheaper exports, more expensive imports), we don't want it to become the peso anytime soon.

Bernanke. BERNANKE. c'mon you bearded mongrel.

What Cartoon Elephants Teach Us!

So I was thinking the other day about beloved children's character, Babar. Who created that lovable elephant with the green suit and a crown? I found out another story:

Just kiddin'. Babar ain't no nazi.

I did a little bit of research. Essentially, the original story came out of France in the 1930's. It told of an Elephant named Babar in the jungle who ventured to the big French city, and learned that their culture was superior and more civilized than his own. He learns to dress like the people there, and adopts their ways. Good for Babar, and his elephant wife, Celeste. Did mention that Celeste is his 3rd cousin? Well. There you have it.

But it didn't stop there. The kind Babar took it upon himself to go back to his jungle home and teach the savage beasts there the civilized ways of France. As reward, he and his wife became King and Queen of Celesteville, the seat of power of the Elephant kingdom. All of the other elephants follow suit (quite literally) and pick up western custom and culture. No elections are held.

So my google-based research stopped there. Where is Babar today? I located both Babar and his wife, living in exile, in Paris, France. They declined interview, but I was able to locate this still frame from their exit out of Celesteville.



Babar and Celeste are seen leaving their adoring subjects behind as they float away in their trademark yellow balloon. After ravaging their nation of all of its natural resources for the benefit of the civilizing nation, they had no need to stay. Ethnic violence flares up after favor was given to Elephants over other local creatures, and the power vacuum left after the collapse was filled with various corrupt groups.

BABAR: About time we got out of this god-damned city
CELESTE: Did you remember to liquidate the finances into our account?
BABAR: Of course. Let's loan it back to them in a few years.

Sadly, I have (very briefly) just summed up the evils of colonialism with the help of a cartoon elephant.

The picture used is actually in present day Algeria, where post-colonial violence is still a huge problem.

Its weird realizing what we grow up with isn't always as harmless and innocent as we think it is. Perhaps Rescue Rangers is just a reflection of regime change/world policing?

This is our country? (read that any way you want)

I am sure you are familiar with the John Mellencamp jingle pandering to those unsatisfied patriots out there who haven't bedecked their cars with quite enough yellow-ribbon and American flag magnets (Oh say does that star spangled decal yet... stick?). Okay, I won't bash them too much, I just find it a bit campy... Mellencampy, perhaps.This commercial, produced by Chevy (which I am sure y'all have all seen while waiting for various timeouts) uses the song as its official jingle (an embedded youtube video is available at the bottom, read to it first!):

The dream is still alive
Someday it will come true
And this country
It belongs to folks like me and you
So let the voice of freedom
Sing out through this land
This is our Country.

So, what is it that bothers me? Is it the creeped-out feeling I get seeing images of only the most ridiculously white heterosexual stereotypes one could come up with, coupled with a chorus claiming ownership of the United States? Go on, find a non-white man in this ad. So lets analyze, in order:

Our role models are cowboys! Cool! JIMMY OVER THERE IS WHERE WE USED TO BEAT UP YER GAY UNCLE JIM-BOB. HAVE SOME CHEW. crap. I thought maybe they'd be gay cowboys.

We eat massive amounts of lumber for breakfast each day? (well, its accurate that we do... in a wasteful sense).

Two men discuss how disappointed they are about Huckabee not being in the ad. WE WANTED TO MEET OUR NEXT PRESIDENT! GET ME SOME MORE EGGS!

Our backbone is some sort of heavy machinery. Presumably this is some sort of oil rig? Backbone, Achilles heel, same thing....

Next, we have an NRA pandering photo op for ______ (insert presidential candidate here). Is the wingman the dog? Or is the wingman the hunter? Either way, I WANT A DAMN PHEASANT FOR DINNER. THE SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS PROTECTS MY RIGHT TO HAVE A FREAKIN' PHEASANT WHENEVER I WANT.

Our philosophy is that our perfectly groomed, perfectly white boys will become boyscouts and use their merit-badges to protect our right to have a freakin' pheasant. Wait a second... there aren't any women in here either....

Oh, but it isn't over yet. It gets more disturbing. Insert a photo of dead NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhardt. Dead people don't belong in advertisements. And how exactly is that our attitude? I can't even come up with an italicized quip here.

Lastly, the most disturbing part of the ad comes at the very end. 'This is our purpose' flashes on the screen as a delightfully diverse baby boy is shown on the shoulder of his father. Oh wait, my screen was tilted wrong. So I have learned that the purpose of life is to breed and produce another generation of uber-white babies who rape the environment, vote for idiots, love their guns, and watch NASCAR. THIS IS OUR COUNTRY.

*moment of silence*

TOO MUCH! So here it is:




Sure, I just over analyzed an advertisement. But it honestly always has disturbed me, and still does every time I see it. It makes my skin crawl a little. Ah, well, I suppose its better than the original, which shows ground zero, and post-Katrina New Orleans mess, MLK junior, and hippies, among other things.... in order to sell trucks.

WHAT THE HELL!?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CHEVY!?!?!?!

I think this post still applies to politics and sexuality... if you have any qualm with that... well you just aren't an American patriot like me.

Spo (mosexuolitics)

This blog is in danger of being renamed sexuolitics! While yes, this has been the off-season for most of my favorites, there have been some things going on in the world of sports! I have briefly touched on the horrors of the college post-season, which can be summed up by this:




Yes, this is an actual bowl game logo. To a pretty decent bowl game. Congratulations. You have 9 wins this season. For your hard work, come play in an ambiguous corporate bowl-game with nothing on the line aside from an ambiguous corporate looking trophy and possibly meeting corporate spokesman George Foreman. TL has coordinated the newest and most exciting bowl yet, with the logo below:



Held each year in Houston, the Enron Bowl will join other great corporate bowls with a long history of.... something or another. Annual prolific collapse Michigan State will receive an automatic bid, unless out-collapsed by another team, or offered a BCS bowl bid, in which case the Rose Bowl has once again failed us all. Referee's will be seen as whistle-blowers, and subsequently fired from the game, leaving only Pac-10 officials worthy of joining in on the corruption! The trophy will be made of the bones of middle-class children.

Okay, clearly there needs to be a new system here. The current system reflects the direction our economy is headed: the elite are rewarded, while occasionally an underdog (Hawaii, Boise State) story is presented to make everyone feel good. The middle class is lauded for its hard work with some meaningless excuse for a party, and never has a chance to prove itself. While more of a college football fan than any other sport.... I'm going to go on and say that March Madness is better.

Speaking of march madness... NCAA basketball has begun! They might as well call everything before January the preseason. It doesn't really mean anything. Even big matchups just aren't any fun to watch. I fell asleep, shirtless, on my bed... bag of chips in hand, soda nearby.... and when I woke up, Louisville was STILL sucking. Not that I'm even a fan of the Cards. My point here is that nothing makes you feel like a bigger waste of life than waking up shirtless with lay's potato chips on your chest, and I feel like early season NCAA is fully responsible for how I felt.

In other news, a new sport has materialized that I have never heard of. Previously played only inside rather large, dark arenas, this new sport "hockey" (Hah-kee) has risen from the underground rinks of large cities to a beautiful outdoor venue.

I won't lie, I know nothing about hockey, and dismissed it as a useless sport, but upon witnessing hockey on an HDTV.... where the puck is actually visible.... it's not so bad! For a Canadian sport. Anyway, seeing total stud Sidney Crosby (he's only 18!) win the shootout during a snowstorm in an outdoor rink was pretty cool. Very epic. NHL actually got some points for me. And it wasn't just because Sidney, being Canadian, is marriage material for all of us homosexuals.




OK. So maybe my crush IS responsible for my sudden lenience towards the sport of the prairies.

Well, thats it for now. A short post to let you know I haven't forgotten the spo.

Four Weddings and a Wedding.... and a wedding. Oh wait, that's six weddings.

Minus the gender identifiers within the lyrics, Jagged Edge's 2000 hit song 'Let's Get Married' sounds eerily like a cross between a gay rights march and a desperate and hasty proposal at Yankee Stadium:

meet me at the altar in your white dress
we ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it
been feeling you all the while girl i must confess
girl let's just get married,
i just wanna get married

"we might as well do it"?!


So.... like... I've known you for like... 2 months now... and umm, I like Bon Jovi, just like you. I also umm... yeah. We might as well just get married now. Here's a ring.


Aside from this song still being popular in parts of Southwest Virginia (don't ask), I believe it touches on a burgeoning social problem in the United States. I don't know if there is an actual psychological definition describing 'the feeling that one must marry', so for now, I am going to just call it Marriage Complex.




Did you say 'aww' upon seeing this picture? You may be suffering from marriage complex. What sort of pervert would ever allow bears to marry each other. You make me sick.

Often a reflection of society's temperature, the entertainment industry is where I turn first for my evidence. Since 1997, mainstream movie industry has seen a slew of blockbuster movies revolving around marriages/weddings. While many may have been good, the huge response by movie-goers has opened up a market for wedding films much greater than before. I present to you just SOME of the movies (just what I could think up) directly centered or focused about with weddings and/or marriage being a central theme in 2007:

Knocked Up
Chuck & Larry
License to Wed
Shrek III (Starts Early!)
Because I Said So
Good Luck Chuck
Waitress
I Think I Love My Wife

Like I said, just a small bit of the plethora of wedding/marriage movies out there from 2007. If you don't believe me, keep an eye out for such things in 2008, and each time you see it, ask yourself if its a bit excessive.

Movies aren't enough though. Look at the TV entertainment industry. Bravo, Style, and We might as well merge as 'the wedding channel' (unless this already exists). Wedding shows and advertising related to weddings are only growing in number. The amount of money spent on ceremonies and receptions is skyrocketing.




The entertainment industry has really helped to encourage the sanctity of this religious institution. Clearly, the picture above proves that indeed it is protecting the sanc, and the tity.

Even then, all of the above is just icing on the (presumably wedding) cake.

American society, particularly girls, are constantly being bombarded with marriage/wedding paraphernalia. They are being taught that to be a functioning, accepted member of society, they must get married. That it is the culmination of everything they have worked so hard for. The grand ball of their meager, useless lives. The most special day ever. EVER.

WRONG. I even think that this pervasive idea has something (not everything) to do with the rise of the gay-marriage movement, and the opposition to it. Here is a transcript (not exact, it is from memory) of an actual conversation TL once had:

TL is talking to an ex-friend, shortly after coming out, who has decided that being gay is morally wrong. This young lady, at the tender age of 20, was (and presumably is) obsessed at the prospect of marrying her boyfriend, marriage shows, and exhibits jealous behavior upon learning that any of her friends are engaged to be married before she does. TL attempts to argue within her own religious rhetoric, to no avail.

TL: Being gay is not a sin. Love is encouraged by God. As are committed relationships.

Girl: Even if it wasn't sinful, the Bible says that you have to obey the law of the land... and last time I checked, GAY PEOPLE* can't get married under the law.

*said in the scandal/horror/strife! tone of voice

Little known to me, my reaction was caught on camera:



Now my point here isn't to get into the whole gay rights argument. I'm almost 100% positive the above statement was said out of happiness that someone, at last, would not be able to marry before her. Seriously, y'all.

That brings me to my next point: MARRIAGE IS NOT A PIECE OF PAPER, A CEREMONY, OR A RECEPTION. It isn't a honeymoon, it isn't living with someone else.

Religiously speaking, marriage is a covenant between two people and God to remain committed to one another.

Non-religiously, marriage is a monogamous, permanent, committed relationship between two people. Leave out the 'Under God'.

Newsflash: You can be married without having a wedding ceremony. You can be married without a marriage certificate. You just wont get the rights and benefits therein provided by the government and society in general.

Why do I say this? Because it should be about building a lasting relationship between two people. Nothing more. A big party and a fancy dress/tux are nice things too, but it isn't the point! And bigots think gay people want to marry goats? If all you think its about is a ceremony, you're much closer to being the goat's bride/groom than you think, because you clearly don't understand the concept to begin with.

To all of the single ladies out there who have been told you must get married, whose parents have expectations of marriage, and who must feel rejected and alone, because everyone finds the perfect someone... its not the end of the world if you aren't married by 26 (the median age of a first marriage in the US). If anything, your life as a single person might be a lot more exciting without the marriage. You will meet more friends, travel more places, find the best job for you, and generally serve your own best interests. This doesn't mean you won't date. In fact, you'll probably have a lot of fun dating. And what's wrong with exploring more options, and finding out what kind of person is right for you?

Are you really that bad off without an eternal mate? Are you suffering from marriage complex? Well, chin up, because really, it isn't the grand culmination of your life on earth. In fact, statistics show that you'll mess it up and have to do another one. I hear getting married increases your likelihood of getting divorced. Statistics show that married women are much more likely to get a divorce than single, unmarried women. OH MY GOD MAKE A DIVORCE VACCINE, SOMEONE!


Okay. That said- movies, shows, novels, etc, that aren't about marriage are generally a lot more entertaining. I want some single scandal in my entertainment. Whatever happened to lust? Have we really become such prudes that porn has claimed it as its own?


Why is everything about everlasting love, and why can love only be shown through wedding ceremonies? Why can't your love with another person culminate when you are old and gray and in a nursing home? Probably because you can't get an erection. Just kidding. But why can't it? Why can't it culminate in a natural way, without papers and cakes?

I hope I do find someone I'd like to spend every day with for the rest of my life. But I hope it isn't what people remember me for. Here lies TL. He was married. In Canada.

The term bridezilla sums up the height of marriage complex. You already know what it means. Why do you think they act that way?

To all of the future bridezillas of the world:

This isn't the bachelor. It isn't a game show where once you are married to someone, you win! You have to keep working at relationships. If you work so hard just to marry someone, you will have to keep working that hard afterwards to stay married. Your wedding isn't about you. You are not a princess. Even if you were one, it still wouldn't be about you. It is about love. Between you and your mate. Celebrate it. Let someone else plan it for you. Relax. Drink a beer and relax, for goodness sake. C'mon, people! Stop the madness!

And to all of you single folks:

Keep on rockin! Don't buy into the marriage myth!

BLOGMONGERING

I've got a problem. It's slightly above craving Chick-fil-a on Sunday, and slightly below my unrealistic expectations regarding college football. What might this be? Fear-mongering! That's right, I've touched on it before, but it seems an ever-more present issue as the election year kicks into full swing. Let's attempt to break it down, without naming any specific presidential candidates. For brevity's sake, we can break down fear to ONE word: the unknown. It is human nature to be apprehensive about things one is unfamiliar with. Sometimes this can be attributed to a lack of educational knowledge (see: US Education System). Sometimes this can be attributed to a sheltered lifestyle, otherwise known as a lack of social knowledge (see: Homeschool).

To monger fear (monger is one of TL's favorite words), you must prey on what society is least educated the the most sheltered from. From here, we can break it down into 2 categories: International and Domestic. Today, I will be focusing on just one part

People tend to be pretty educated with regard to their own society (being a part of it essential does its own job). However, people with minority status are an easy target for someone pandering to the majority masses. In the last presidential election, 77% of voters were white.
Minorities, such as blacks, 'hispanics' (although they can be black too), and Asians (among others) make up the rest of that 25% or so.

Notably, the significant number of 'illegal' humans living within the United States have no power to vote at all. I call them illegal humans for the irony of someone living being illegal. "But they don't pay taxes!" They also can't vote, have no representation, get paid less than minimum wage, and are often taken advantage of by their 'American' landlords. But hey! as a society its nice to have a group to exploit for our own economic benefit.

So, there is a group out there that has no influence by way of votes. They are visible enough to the rest of the population for them to know what they are (immigrants), but have enough barriers (class, race, language) to keep them a yardstick or two away from being understood.

Domestic Fearmongering, take 1.

Some candidates have likened immigrants crossing the border to goats crossing a fence. Suggesting people are anything other than human is an easy way to scare your electorate. Suggesting that people who are supposedly as stupid as goats are also carrying shoulder-fired missiles, and are capable of taking down the entire US infrastructure is just a little bit ridiculous. And hey! letting in terrorist immigrant goats also increases the likelihood that gay people will indeed be marrying them if we do not defend traditional marriage between one man and one woman.



Picture: Esmeralda, a Guatemalan feminist extremist goat, crosses the US border with a dirty-bomb device. Her homosexual kids, fathered by a Pakistani Cashmere goat, suckle at her teats, gaining nutrients essential to government overthrow.

Look, I won't disagree that immigration is a problem here in the United States. But 'securing our borders' is kind of like fitting lil' Kim's breasts into an A-cup. It's just ridiculous, and honestly whatever fence they do build isn't going to do much good (but don't tell that to Esmeralda), and we all know it. I have yet to hear a comprehensive plan on dealing with immigration (once again, I am purposely leaving out the term 'illegal' here) that makes any sort of sense, and treats people as human beings. As an electorate, are we choosing the ignorant path, and oversimplifying the problem as an us/them scenario? I'd argue that we are.




Picture: Lil Kim's breasts are just really ridiculously huge for her frame. She is a lama indeed. Her bra-contraption here represents immigration reform efforts to cover up the nipple of open borders!

Anyway, my point here is: if you are honestly concerned about immigration, you would be educating yourself about it more. About who is coming here, why they are coming here, what they do, how they effect the economy, and where they are from.

Of course a terrorist is going to be an 'illegal immigrant'. I severely doubt anyone in their right minds wants a terrorist within their borders.

But next time you see a candidate bring up illegal immigration and equate it with terrorism, ask yourself: Are the majority of those coming to the US actually a direct threat to our national security? Is wanting a better life for you and your family something that can be deemed 'illegal'? I only hope in earnest that our population can see through xenophobia in an increasingly nationalist post 9-11 America. The old America would have put some more thought into the situation:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

"The New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus

2008

Ah, that minty-fresh, clean feeling of a new year!

I would say that I was putting off blogging awaiting results of the Iowa primaries, but really, I was just lazy and a lot of football was on. But, while we are on the topic:

Obama had a commanding lead over Edwards in the democratic primary. Wait a second.... where is Clinton?

At least after a disappointing (to say the least) bowl season, something good happened. But, in true Eastern tradition, there is a balance. A Yin to the Yang.

Huckabee (a top candidate for an individual blog post similar to Ron Paul's) won the republican primary. according to CNN, his top supporters were: women and 'very religious' people.

Somehow an image of Donnie Darko character Kitty Farmer (portrayed by Beth Grant) keeps coming to mind when I think about this.



"Oh, Please! Please! Don't use those words! It's obviously some kind of conspiracy to destroy an innocent man. And I have taken it upon myself to spearhead the Jim Cunningham Defense Campaign" -Kitty Farmer upon hearing cheesy motivational speaker Jim Cunningham has a kiddie porn dungeon.

Seriously though. That's how I imagine the republican women of Iowa. Not that Romney is that much better, but at least he has a brain, evil or not. But perhaps Jesus does belong in campaigns! Huckabee sure seems convinced he has some sort of mandate of god. Rumors are swirling of a Jesus-Oprah showdown for the best celebrity endorsement.



Basically, I wanted an excuse to put that pissed-off Jesus picture in my blog. Why is he so angry? Oh wait, never mind. I'd be angry if I died for a bunch of materialistic jackasses too.


This post today is very choppy.

Very

Choppy


In other news, the BCS has failed us all once again. I was going to post about it yesterday. But frankly, its been done. Ba$ically, you need to figure out what the BC$ i$ about to under$tand why it never work$ and never follow$ a $pirit of true competition. Need a hint? Didn't think so.

Following the National Title game, expect a post about rankings.

Until then, sorry for the choppy style. But hey, y'all got a good jpg out of it.